Friday, 23 January 2009

Lost - Pre-Season 5 Recap - There's probably no Jacob, now stop worrying and enjoy your life

There is just over a week before Lost returns to our screens for it’s 5th season, so I thought I’d get my giant icy cogs turning and crank up this email group for another year of theories, rumours and commentary.

**Takes a deep breath**

When we last saw our heroes, six of them were living miserable lives in the future (our past) having escaped the Awesome Magical Island (in the ‘quite past’) on a rubber dinghy. After much deliberation and debate amongst this group it was revealed that one of them was baby Aaron, and the others were Kate, Jack, Sun, Hurley and Sayid. Benry Gale escaped the island too, but that was by time-travelling from the ‘quite-past’ 2005 to the ‘relatively recent past’ 2007, which means he’s not one of the Oceanic 6 as no-one knows about him. Besides, he wasn’t on the plane and time-travelling is cheating.

Also not on the plane, Desmond has returned to his beloved Penny, who in the 6 months off-screen is probably now pregnant with a son who everyone will assume to be Jack. Or Desmond himself. Somehow.

Sayid is a big fat murderer, working for Ben killing all the people in connection to a chap called Jim Robinson Widmore. Quite why ‘he’ isn’t the one in hiding seeing as he’s running around shooting people escapes me. Perhaps him and James Bond can form a duo of Very Famous People Who do Secretive Jobs.

Sun is pissed off because her husband was blown up on a boat by Widmore’s people. She’s also pissed off at her Dad because he made her husband a really nasty piece of work who went around threatening people in return for money. She vows to solve all these problems by blackmailing her father with threats and making friends with Jimmy Widmore. I’m pretty sure she has a plan but we know nothing about it.

Jack and Kate went out for a bit in the gap between the ‘quite past’ and the ‘middling past’, but he got hooked on drugs’n’booze by the time we saw him again in the ‘relatively recent past’. Plus he grew an awesome beard, but she still wouldn’t take him back. She’s probably still in love with Sawyer, who sacrificed himself, kind of, so that the others could survive and escape on a helicopter. She’s bringing up Claire’s baby, who disappeared with Jack’s and her’s dad. Claire isn’t in this season though, as she’s probably doing The Hills Have Eyes 3 or something, so all we’re going to see of her is ghostly apparitions come the finale. The baby saw far too much of his surrogate mother looking hot for him to not have serious oedipal issues come puberty, so I’m putting my money on him somehow growing up to be Jacob. Or Jack’s dad.

Hurley went proper mental, so now he lives in the same institute he was in prior to the crash. He sees dead people all the time, which is a brilliant ruse to get dead ex-cast members to do guest spots. Walt came to see him and he was considerably taller than before, and his voice had broken, but this was okay because this is the ‘relatively near past’ and people are a little older there.

Locke turned up in the ‘relatively recent past’, but he was dead and no-one went to his funeral. His name is apparently Jeremy Bentham, which could either have been something they’d planned to do for years, or something they had to pretend they knew about when high-res images of the article detailing the at that time ‘unknown’ man in the coffin’s name started appearing on the internet. Regardless, he died after having visited everyone and telling them about the really bad stuff that’s going on on the island to their old friends.

So now they have to go back. All of them. And I know I’m repeating my write-up of the finale here but if that includes Locke does it include Walt? Also, does it include all the people who are blown up in the ocean? Is Walt going to have to go and sift his father’s remains from the sea before returning with it in a sack on his back, C3P0/Chewbacca style?

On the island Locke is still alive and the head of The Others. He doesn’t know it yet but one of his flock, the perpetually eye-liner-ed Richard Alpert, has been following him his whole life. He’s still convinced that the island is his destiny, and that he’s it’s Jesus/Obama, so doesn’t intend to leave anytime soon. Likewise for Charlotte, who we don’t really care much about as they had to cut episodes explaining her backstory from the last season due to the writer’s strike. It turns out she was born on the island, and is back looking for her home, so her ‘C.S.Lewis’ name and Narnia connection wasn’t a coincidence. She’ll probably turn out to be Ben’s daughter, from that girl he was in love with as a child. Not that they had baby when she was a child. That’s just wrong.

Other than that there’s constantly nervous Daniel and angry Miles. Miles can speak to ghosts, which will be useful when the dead characters are making guest appearances with slightly longer hair. Daniel can travel in time, kind of, but his most useful asset is bringing a sense of panic and stress to the group with his wobbly voice.

I forgot to mention Frank, the least interesting new member of the team and the one most unlikely to be in Season 5. He rocked up on a boat, landed on the island, rescued seven people, got on another boat and probably won’t be seen again. I hope this is because he’s signed up to star in Planet Terror 2, as I saw the first one the other day and he was the best thing in it.

So now, the new season will fill the gaps between the ‘relatively recent past’ and the ‘present’ and the ‘wherever the fuck the island went’.

**Breathes out**

Here’s the trailer:


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