Monday, 1 February 2010
Season 6 - Predictive Text
Six minutes of the show have been leaked by some lucky competition winners, and some chap recently pirated the whole episode filming from his beach hut. Despite this, I'm around 95% spoiler-free for this week's double episode 'premier' 'LA-X'. Obviously, I do know the title is 'LA-X' which does lead us down a few prescriptive narrative paths. The theory doing on the internets back before filming had begun was around some kind of 'reset'. Charlie, Ana Lucie and a few of the other cast members appeared on a poster at Comic Con, hinting strongly at some kind of new timeline where 815 doesn't crash and none of the events we've seen these past five years took place. Or, it could just have been a nifty tease done for promotional reasons. Let's hope the cast members don't return for some dream sequence, or dripping with water in the jungle talking backwards. Anyway, here is my theory as to what happened when Juliet smashed that H-bomb, and how this final stretch will play out:
815 didn't crash. Desmond didn't forget to press the button, as it doesn't exist. The Oceanic plane glides over the island without any major event, and everyone arrives in LA with some weird feeling that they all know each other. Everyone's hair is at different lengths, and some actors have gotten a bit more porky/wrinkly/puberty-ey, but all the characters we know and love land and go on about their normal lives. Jack buries his father. Kate goes to prison. Hurley buys Mister Clucks, explaining the bizarre ad that did the rounds last summer. Some of the stories are worth telling, and these are the ones we'll follow. Others, like Charlie's, will be a bit despairing, and so we'll only see him for a couple of episodes. Without the redemptive antics those years battling with The Others/Widmore/Egyptian immortals, many characters will be still horribly Lost, continuing to be drug addicts and torturers and having semi-acceptable sexual liasons with their half-sisters in Los Angeles. This will play as the reason they have to go back, again, to set the paths of destiny straight. Again.
Meanwhile, the plotline with non-Locke and Ben stabbing Jacob in the old egyptian shoe statue (FFS, you really can't make this shit up) is too good to just abandon. While 70s DHARMA was getting tired after four episodes, there's a lot of intrigue left in the gang of possible Black Rock descendants, especially their coffin with Locke's body in it. Somehow this lot aren't reset, as the law of Lost Season 'Premiers' (sorry, but I really hate using that word. It's not a film, it's the first episode of the year. But no, we have to call it a 'Premier', and talk about when it 'premiers'. FFS America, you are ruining the English language) dictates that characters must always start in two groups, which inevitably re-join around two thirds of the way through. In this case, I believe the other group will be mysteriously transported back to the time of the ancient island dwellers, around Egyptian times. Stay with me, it makes perfect sense! This way the show can tell the origins of the black smoke, the statue, the healing powers, Richard Alpert, the fact the island is invisible, the ever-changing weather, the reason none of the female islanders had to shave their legs during their island tenure, EVERYTHING. Then for some reason, once all the characters are settled into jobs as slaves, or deities, they'll need to regroup with the 815 folk, and everything will go batshit crazy.
So how will it end? I don't know, but here are some specific predictions/guesses for the end of the WHOLE SHOW:
Locke will be revealed to be some highly revered ancient God. He'll die (again) in the ancient past, and everyone will pray for him to one day return. This explains his whole reason for being on the island, and his 'destiny', and all that nonsense.
Jack will have a one-to-one with someone God-like. Probably Locke. Or his fucking dad. He'll explain everything we've seen these past five years in just a few sentences. Details will be swept over (,shame, no more backstory around Jack's tattoo's) and the whole thing will be sewn up as something to do with Scientology. Jack will have to sacrifice himself, which we'll be lead to believe is a very sad thing, despite most viewers wanting him dead since season two. He'll die saving everyone, in that way he loves so much. He'll know he has to do it too and will cry a lot, really dragging it out.
There will be multiple-dimensions, in addition to the time-travel mind-fuckery of last year. Off-island Jack will have to meet himself and convince him to go back. Again. We might even see a return of his rubbish fake beard just so that the casual viewer doesn't get the two confused.
All the old characters re-introduced will be killed off again, some comically. The show will make lots of oh-so-clever jokes about it's own story-telling mechanisms. They've used the staple 'red shirt' gag to have un-named minor characters killed previously, especially during the flaming arrows bit of season five. This time it'll be someone like Ana Lucia, who'll rock up to say "Maybe we're all back for a reason?!" Then Locke will flash into shot and chop her head off with an Egyptian scythe. They know people are watching expecting major revelations, so will set out to shock the viewer.
Adam and Eve in the caves will turn out to be Desmond and Penny. Abadon will be revealed to be a grown up Walt. Sun and Jin's daughter will marry Claire's son Aaron. There will be an English character with a terrible accent. Polar bears will play a major role in the final episode. Every episode will feature someone saying how everything HAS to HAPPEN because IF NOT, EVERYTHING we know WILL DIE. It'll all end with a plane crash, and some kind of time-loop. Then finally we can get on with the rest of our lives.