Friday, 14 May 2010

Lost - s06e15 - It's all latin to me

I've neglected this blog again this season. Apart from last weeks awesome death-fest this whole season has been very poor. On island they're just been wandering across the island, getting into groups, then re-grouping, then walking across the island again, supposedly building up to some magnificent finale. But now, with just two weeks to go until the final episode the show is desperately revealing it's secrets, and it's at least interesting to see what poppycock the writers come up with. This week, the ultimate question to divide and upset fans: what is the mystical power that the island holds?

The answer, sadly, is a magical light that lives in the middle of the island. Not electromagnetism, or some other kind of vaguely scientific explanation. Magic. And you can get through it, to be reborn in smoke form, just by swimming in a little pond. That's right folks, you've been watching this show for five years, and this is your punishment. Anyway, let's ignore all that, in the same way Star Wars fans ignore Midichlorians, and instead go back to the very beginning.

Jacobs mum rocks up on mystery island, and starts chatting in Latin to the mum out of Juno. Then, inexplicably, they start talking modern American English! Jacob's mum has a slight accent, but still. Juno's mum is proper Apple Pie, Soccer-Mom American and yet we're supposed to believe this took place thousands of years ago? Pffftt. I know the show has had a not too healthy relationship with accents in the past, (Sayid and his cronies in Iraq speaking English with an accent while all Jin and Sun's flashbacks are subtitled, anyone attempting an English accent,) but in this case they didn't even seem to try. Do US networks not realise how old their own country is? The whole thing looks like a really bad TV drama recreating bible stories to children.

Fast forward a few years and Jacob and his brother are sitting about chatting and playing games, calling their mother 'mom' and maintaining their Twilight haircuts. Both of them are as believable at being un-civilized and ancient as the young Anakin Skywalker in Phantom Menace. This is the Disney interpretation of unkempt and olden timey. The Child in Black even looks like Mowgli. Emo-wgli.

Going back to the birth itself. Did everyone else assume that after Jacob popped out, Lady Virgin Mary was about to squirt a giant plume of thick black smoke from her miraculous tuppence? Or was that just me?

As adults, the magical pair seem slightly more believable, but still 100% U.S.A. They bicker and fight like teenagers fighting over the car stereo, but then isn't that quite likely due to their odd, secluded unbringing? It seems odd to think you'd mature much living your whole life pretty much alone. It's a good explanation as to why Jacob is so dull I suppose, but it doesn't give much credibilty to this overarching 'Jacob is God' theory. How could you get so wise being home-schooled by some mad woman? And what could she teach you, seeing as she doesn't want you to interact with anyone your whole life? Weaving?

Then follows some further awfullness about using a giant wagon wheel to stir magic with water in order to get off the island. The only tiny reassurance that this isn't being made up week after week being that when Ben finally does turn the wheel years later it does seem to leak some of that 'island magic' light. So at least they're consistent with their bullshit.

When adult Emowgli walks back through his descemated camp, it all seems very Star Wars. "Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru?" If he'd checked one of the corpses he might have figured out what going on. "these knife wounds are too accurate to have been made by my deranged old mother. It must have been some kind of smokey monster." Yes that's right, I believe the only way Juno's mum could have known so much about what happens when you fall into the islands giant glowing underwater vagina is if she'd experienced it herself. She is the smoke monster, hence why she has all those abilities to stop people harming one another. This is also the only way that camp of people, and their well, got destroyed by one single old woman.

Which begs the question: what is HER origin story? Damn you Lost, you're supposed to be telling us the answers, not dangling even more mysteries in front of us! I've watched five years of this garbage, and promise I'll watch just two more episodes. I've done everything you asked me to do, so why did you to this to me!?

The reveal that these two characters are season one's Adam and Eve was quite nicely done. I don't think showing the clip was too heavy handed either. The casual viewer hasn't seen that scene in five years, if at all, so it was nice to have a recap. Also, it reminded us of the Lost of old, back when it was good. Back when Kate still wore lipstick on a desert island.

So roll on the next couple of weeks, and further unsatisfying revelations. I look forward to finding out that the four-toed statue is actually Jack with a mask, that Walt grows up to be every black character that's ever been on the show, and that the Egyptians spoke with American accents.


  1. Toby, I love that you, even you have turned on this farcical show. I'm also watching through to the bitter end. I had the same thoughts about Emo-wgli, you simply coined a better term for it. Great post as ever, I like the angry Lost fan voice you've developed over the years. Toby, have you become one of the Others I thought you wer eone of the Good Guys?!

  2. "Which begs the question: what is HER origin story? " - see the West Wing…

  3. I predict a full on Return Of The Jedi ending.

    1. Jack will finally get to cremate his father, Vader's Funeral Pyre style.

    2. The alternate timeline people will gather round for a big old party (once Desmond has finished rounding them up for the fucking gig). This time with hobbits (Charlie) providing the music, as opposed to the fucking Ewoks.

    3. The evil smoke monster/emperor will end up being thrown down some sort of pit, most likely by Linus in a last minute Vader style reversal of allegiances.

    4. There will be a scene where all the 'ghosts' get together for an Anakin, Kenobi, Yoda style line up, with lots of smiling and back patting.

    Anyway, I can't wait till this is all over.

  4. Is Magic + Science! "Magical" things have a side that revelas their scientific aspect. An Electromagnetic Anomaly is interpreted as a "magic light"; and actually is both, that depends on your perspective. LOST always was that...